Sunday, December 27, 2009

14 months and counting

So it's been 14 months since we started trying to start our family. There's been so much going on with work and other stuff we haven't talked too much about it lately. But I think about it everyday. Like what will we really have to do to have our baby. We know one sure fire way, but it's a matter of paying off all debt before we go the IVF route. It's tough to know there's an option but you have to jump through 100 hoops to get there.

Infertility sucks! I never would have thought that at 27 there would be no other way to have a baby except through IVF. I know that I can get pregnant but staying pregnant is an issue. It's an issue that I have to overcome everyday just to get out of bed. Why's it so hard? Why me? These are questions I think about everyday. The anniversary of my wreck it coming this week and I just think about all the blessings I do have. But why this? I can't help but be bitter every time I see a pregnant lady or a new born. What have I done to deserve this?

It was almost a year ago that I found out I was pregnant. Almost a year ago that my second pregnancy would be coming to an end and a birth approaching. But no, all that's been taken away from me and Kris. I hurt for Kris. I know he wants a baby too but I can't give him the family he so desires. He deserves to be a father. He deserves to share his love with someone else.

So on this cold winter's night, Kris is sleeping and sick ... I sit alone. Thinking. Wishing. Praying.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I hate mixed emotions ... even more, I hate Rude peopl

So today Kris and I went to Virginia Beach to visit the New Hope Center for Reproductive medicine. Kinda nervous but someone gave us a great word about them.

We got there and filled out the rest of the paperwork that they don't send in the mail. We didn't wait very long and then we met with Kelly. Not sure of her title but she took some general information and such. Then we met with Dr. Robin. OMG I love her. She's great. She took time to listen to both of us. Not that Kris had a lot to say but none the less. She expressed that I've been through so much to be only 27. (She said I was young! YES! Someone to say I'm young since my birthday.) We had a great appointment with her. Very informative, inspirational and optimistic. So we finally got to my "big" question, "can we cycle in December?" She said absolutely. Just needed to get a few more tests out of the way but she didn't see why not. Oh, and what I knew was coming ... I need to lose 17 lbs by December 1. No problem!

Went through a ton of testing. A millions tubes of blood drawn for me and Kris, EKG, Ultrasound ... everything. All was good. Until ... da da da The financial consult. I had cleared all this with insurance about 4 weeks ago. I was very sure of my benefits and therefore felt we could go forward with IVF. Wrong. The not so nice lady (that's nice for the rude bitch) said that part of a procedure wasn't covered. We're talking a 8k test here. That's a chunk of change. I tried to tell her that I talked to people and before I could finish my sentence she cut me off. Then she wouldn't listen to what I had to say and pretty much said sorry, I talked to your insurance this morning and I know for sure.

So I left in tears. What started as such a good day and appointment ended in stress, tears and heartbreak. I'm trying to talk to my insurance and spent probably an hour on the phone with them today. And this awesome lady with the insurance called me @ 7:30 pm. We're gonna have to try and appeal this but who knows if that will even work. If I had known this in the beginning I wouldn't have had all the tests done today.

I know God had a plan for us. I know it's something Great! But for now, I feel like a failure. I can't have a baby. Kris can. And it's just breaking my heart to want something so badly and I can't do anything about it. So now it's time to put this in God's hands. Sooo hard to do and trust completely. But I have to. We'll just pray and wait for the insurance company to get back to me.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Genetic Counseling ... now what?

If you know us at all, you know that Kris and I have had a rough year. But today was a day of hope and possibly a brighter future.

Today we met with a genetics counselor at Brody School of Medicine to talk about the Karyotype results and what that means for us. There's definitely lots to think about. And we're also waiting to hear from a geneticist in NY to make a decision about anything.

The meeting wasn't incredibly long, only about an hour, but lots of information was given and even more to come. We found out that it is possible for us to have a healthy baby. What exactly it will take is complicated. Leave it to me to make it that way. Basically, we can keep trying until we find that special healthy one to stick or we can proceed with IVF but with genetic testing. We're going to wait until we hear from NY to make any decisions.

After 2 miscarriages in 6 months, it's hard to even think about risking another one. But then again IVF is expensive even with insurance. It's a tough call. But I paged my regular gyn/ob and he said that he'll support us either way and do whatever he can along the way. My family is very supportive.

So we have some decisions to make. It won't be easy, but we'll make it!

Monday, August 31, 2009

Looking Up

Since my last post, I've talked with the doctor's office and the insurance company.

We have an appointment on 09/09/09 @ 09:00 with a genetics counselor in Greenville. Today I spoke with my regular doctor and he's already being proactive to make sure everything goes smoothly from here on out. He wants to coordinate things with the other doctors to make sure nothing is overlooked from any standpoint. I was really touched that he called me today. I'm not on schedule or anything for him so it was out of his own concern that he called.

I'm excited and nervous but ready to find out what we have to do next. Thankfully, I'll be off work next week to get things done around the house and to make sure I'm on time for both appointments. I have a follow up lab on the 10th.

Please keep us in your prayers and we'll do the same!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Easy Like Sunday Morning

Ok ... So I've done a lot of thinking and even more crying since the phone call Friday afternoon. Hence the reason I decided to start this blog. Kris and I are about to start a long journey and I want to share it with our family and friends.

We've told most everyone, but I've been thru 2 miscarriages since January. With the last one the doctor suggested we have some genetic testing done. They said there was only a 3-4% chance of something being wrong but wanted to make sure. So we had to wait weeks for the test and then 3 more for the results. That brings us to the phone call I received Friday afternoon. I was just pulling in the driveway when my phone rang. I knew it was the dr's office but I wasn't prepared for what happened next. Dr. Livingston (the geneticist) was on the phone and asked if I had a few minutes. He then told me that I have a chromosomal translocation. That everything worked fine for me because all of my DNA information was there, but it was switched around in a few places. He then proceeded to tell me that Kris and I need to meet with a Genetics Counselor to discuss options for ever having a baby. Right then, my world as I knew it fell apart.

My dreams have been ripped apart. Our dream of having a baby sooner, rather than later, is shattered. Basically we'll have to undergo IVF with Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis. So when we can save about 20k we can start trying to have a baby.

I am going to revamp my budget and try to see when I can start saving even more. Which I had somewhat done because of Kris's new job, but it's time to pull out all the stops. I'm cancelling our vacation to Jamaica in January and cutting out all the extras. I have a call in to our insurance company but I have a feeling that nothing will be covered.

So, this weekend was supposed to be a good one. Kris sold 5 cars last week and did really well. But instead, I've been down and crying at the drop of a hat. So I guess that's it for today, but I'll keep posting as we continue our journey which will hopefully end with a baby one day.