Sunday, December 27, 2009

14 months and counting

So it's been 14 months since we started trying to start our family. There's been so much going on with work and other stuff we haven't talked too much about it lately. But I think about it everyday. Like what will we really have to do to have our baby. We know one sure fire way, but it's a matter of paying off all debt before we go the IVF route. It's tough to know there's an option but you have to jump through 100 hoops to get there.

Infertility sucks! I never would have thought that at 27 there would be no other way to have a baby except through IVF. I know that I can get pregnant but staying pregnant is an issue. It's an issue that I have to overcome everyday just to get out of bed. Why's it so hard? Why me? These are questions I think about everyday. The anniversary of my wreck it coming this week and I just think about all the blessings I do have. But why this? I can't help but be bitter every time I see a pregnant lady or a new born. What have I done to deserve this?

It was almost a year ago that I found out I was pregnant. Almost a year ago that my second pregnancy would be coming to an end and a birth approaching. But no, all that's been taken away from me and Kris. I hurt for Kris. I know he wants a baby too but I can't give him the family he so desires. He deserves to be a father. He deserves to share his love with someone else.

So on this cold winter's night, Kris is sleeping and sick ... I sit alone. Thinking. Wishing. Praying.

1 comment:

  1. I second that feeling, as has almost everyone who has dealt with infertility. Why me? Why do they deserve it and I don't. (hugs) I've hidden so many people from my Facebook news feed as pregnancy after pregnancy is announced.